Someday
Well, summer has started! You can feel it because it’s become super hot! I finally have time to redo this blog of mine I’ve left alone for the past few months! Whew! Well, I’m glad that third year is over but I’m not so sure I want to graduate just yet! Hehe. But for now, all I know is that I’m so bored! Hehehe. I just hope I get to do lots this summer!
About the layout! “Someday” is just basically about the things I want to accomplish in the future. No, not so far off but far enough. Perhaps my hopes for the next six months or so or maybe for this year. I don’t know exactly but that’s why it’s entitled “Someday” right? See, I still believe that a lot can happen and that life will find another way to bat me down to the floor. But that’s where I draw the line. Someday I will be able to look life in the eye and tell it to stop picking on me and leave me alone. Of course, I can’t see life. So until I can or until I figure why exactly it’s doing this to me, I’ll just hope and pray that someday I will be able to accomplish more than what I did next year. I also hope that because I discovered a few things in me this passed school year that it can contribute to me changing completely. And that the “new things” I found will be able to be part of my life forever. ^^ Enjoy!
~*~Quote of the Month~*~
"...are you leaving me alone again...?" -Azame, Fatal Frame II
"...He's making a big mistake. And when he realises how stupid
he's been, it'll be too late. He's throwing away something that comes once in a
lifetime."
"Huh? What's he throwing away?"
Everything he could ever ask for. To have someone like
you."
The End of the End, The Beginning of the Beginning
Saturday, March 20, 2005
11:08 a.m.
A Look Back
And so the year officially ended yesterday after the Science Periodical Test.
Funny, isn¡¦t it how this year went by so terribly fast? I don¡¦t even remember walking through those gates almost 200+ times. It was like I was always in a trance and only woke up right after I handed in my science test paper to Mr. Panis. It was strange.
But when I think about it¡Kit¡¦s so overwhelming that it¡¦s over that it doesn¡¦t even feel like it¡¦s begun. Am I making non-sense again? I mean, I honestly don¡¦t feel like the school year has already passed, so how can I feel it end? Now it seems to me like I missed out on ten months of my life.
But not totally.
In a way, I lived this passed ten months. Perhaps I didn¡¦t feel it then, but I sure feel it now. I don¡¦t feel the end of the year but I feel the effects of what my entranced-self has done the past ten months. I met a bunch of really good people who affected my life more than they can ever know. I don¡¦t know how, and I definitely don¡¦t know why, but maybe they didn¡¦t notice them affecting me like they have. Maybe there is no ¡§why¡¨.
I¡¦m talking in gibberish. Let me explain.
I got to be close to some people this year¡Xa lot closer than I would have originally expected or plan to. I¡¦ve gotten close to people¡Kin a good way. And I really am glad that I got to meet these people. I only used to know them by name and by how other people described them before I really got to know them. At first, I was actually quite hesitant to really get to know these people because I was intimidated by them. I thought that they might somehow brush me aside and not let me become close to them. I had only planned to get to know them a little better so that I wouldn¡¦t be totally uncomfortable with them.
So I did. Small talk here and there, a few chats in Y!M and a few jokes and stuff. Somehow though, there was a surprising connection with them that I never really expected. The more I got to talk to them, the more I got to know them and the more I got to know them, the more things in common we seemed to have. Pretty soon, our small talk wasn¡¦t so small anymore and our few chats in Y!M were more often and laughed harder at each other jokes and liked each other¡¦s company. The connection I felt with them suddenly turned into a full-bloomed friendship that I really wasn¡¦t expecting but was very happy to have. Since I got into some problems with my best friend then, I welcomed the friendship greatly. The next thing I knew, I was no longer coming to school for the lessons (when did I ever?) but I was coming to school because I wanted to be with my new friends, because I had so much fun with them, they numbed out the pain I went through with my best friend and they made me feel lighter about getting almost-failing marks in my classes. I don¡¦t know exactly why that happened, but it was just so relieving.
It felt good to finally know someone new. It felt really refreshing and great to be able to discover more and more about them. The feeling of a new friendship was so¡Kexhilarating.
My barkada probably felt that too with the new friends they made. My best friend found new friends in class as well, my other best friends also made new friendships in their own classes. I really don¡¦t know how close they¡¦ve become to their new friends, but I¡¦m pretty sure I was closer to my own set of new-found friends.
Happy. That¡¦s the only word I can describe the feeling I get when I¡¦m with my new friends, I was so surprised in myself when I found myself suddenly smiling when I got back home after a very tiring day at school¡Xtired from laughing most likely. I have never felt so refreshed in my entire life.
I also got to know more about people who I didn¡¦t really like before. I discovered that we did have something in common and we did have a bit of fun together but we didn¡¦t have enough time to actually get to know each other more like I had with my other friends. I don¡¦t dislike them now although I can¡¦t really say that I like them either. I¡¦m sort of neutral about them but at least I¡¦m not hating anyone.
This year, I also realized a lot of things. Since I went through most of this year on my own (in my personal life, anyway) I learned a lot of things from my friends that I picked up along the way. I never really had to tell them my entire life story and they only gave me advice up to a certain level but to be honest, I learned more from them because of the things they didn¡¦t say.
Simply from the way they reacted, did and handled things, I was able to learn a lot from them. From the shallow vocabulary like: immolation and higgledy-piggledy; to study habits, to enthusiasm, to ¡§always bring tissue!!!¡¨ and all the way to life¡¦s lessons¡KI never knew that I would learn all this from them. I learned more from them than from any teacher (except in science! I like the formulas!!! Love you, Miss Sanchez!!!ƒº)
First of all, I learned that I wasn¡¦t alone in the world when it came to my same type of ¡§situation¡¨ when it came to, well, things. I learned that I wasn¡¦t alone in saying that there was something ¡§wrong¡¨ with our class. I learned that love really does hurt a lot of people¡Xnot just me. And I also learned that there are ways in coping and dealing with love¡Xlike saying that you shouldn¡¦t love in the first place. I learned that grades aren¡¦t everything and that you should just relax. I learned that its okay to cry but not too much. I learned that you can work hard and play hard at the same time. And I learned that laughter is, indeed, the best medicine.
With them, I saw life in a whole new way. And I¡¦ve been living in that view for quite a long time now. Almost five months to be exact. True, I haven¡¦t changed completely, but I learned from them that just like grades, a person cannot be changed over night (or five months worth of nights even!). But I¡¦m feeling much much much happier because of their influence. What¡¦s better is that somehow, my best friend and I seem to be patching things up as well. And towards the end of the year, I felt more relieved that summer was just around the corner¡Xeven if I still don¡¦t feel that the year has ended. I still feel like I will go to school on Monday¡K
I¡¦ve felt a lot of emotions this school year: sadness, loneliness, anger, confusion, love and happiness. A new life. That¡¦s all I¡¦m leaning towards to now. Everything is new to me again: a new sense of happiness, new things to be sad about, new things to be angry about, more situations to be confused in and love¡Kyeah, that¡¦s new too.
I guess I didn¡¦t have to give up in life after all. I just needed to see a new perspective in things. And I did¡Kfinally.
Thank you, 3C 2004-2005. You all changed and inspired me more than you will ever know. You all made me go through things that I never thought I would go through and you made me feel things I never knew I could ever feel for anyone again. Thank you all so much. I might be gone next year but surely you all won¡¦t be gone from me.
Arigatou~
Signing off,
-Michelle del Rosario
Ng Tatlong Dagat
Guys, this is for you (you too, sir Carvajal!)
~*~A Tribute to 3C (04-05)~*~
Don't lose your way
With each passing day
You've come so far
Don't throw it away
Live believing
Dreams are for weaving
Wonders are waiting to start
Live your story
Faith, hope & glory
Hold to the truth in your heart
If we hold on together
I know our dreams will never die
Dreams see us through to forever
Where clouds roll by
For you and I
Souls in the wind
Must learn how to bend
Seek out a star
Hold on to the end
Valley, mountain
There is a fountain
Washes our tears all away
Words are swaying
Someone is praying
Please let us come home to stay
If we hold on together
I know our dreams will never die
Dreams see us through to forever
Where clouds roll by
For you and I
When we are out there in the dark
We'll dream about the sun
In the dark we'll feel the light
Warm our hearts, everyone
If we hold on together
I know our dreams will never die
Dreams see us through to forever
As high as souls can fly
The clouds roll by
For you and I
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~~*~*~*~*~~
Falling and Hurting
Friday, March 11, 2005
08:26 p.m.
~*~Quote of the Day~*~
Why do you do this?
Just when I thought letting go of you was becoming easy, you showered me with happiness and I'm back to where I was before...
Falling deeper in love and hurting myself even more.. Falling and hurting...
Now I'm forced to think why I do this to myself...Why do I insist on holding on and hurting myself when I could let go on and live life anew? Why is it becoming harder everyday to move on?
And all these questions lead me to hold you responsible for my condition
Why do you have to be the person you are?
Why are you almost here whnever I need you? Why can't you be like everyone else: mean, insensitive and so full of yourself?
Just by being a friend, you make it so hard for me to let you go...
And everydayI fall further and hurt more...
I know I'll get over you...It will happen one day. But for now, even if I come so close to letting go, you'll do something for me...and I'll be back to where I started...
...falling and hurting....
-Rashmi
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~~*~*~*~*~~
I'm Finally Home
Saturday, March 5, 2005
04:56 p.m.
They said that life is like a wheel. They said that there will be a time that you will be happy and then there would be times that you would feel sadness and despair. Well, if it is so, then what a wide wheel I happened to be upon. So wide that my side of the wheel on sadness lasted for a good nine months. Or¡Kshould I say bad?
So many things have happened in that span of time. And the good things do not even sum up to half a hand-full. So if asked what I am thankful for the last year? What would I say?
Nothing. That¡¦s what I would say.
Heaven be thankful that I do not know how to curse because, for everything I¡¦ve gone through this year, a lifetime of curses would not even begin to suffice. I drag it all in. And I collapse on my bed every time I get home and sighed out reeeaaaallllyy loud. I guess that, for while, it made the sadness go away.
Especially for the last three weeks. The frustrations and stress have never mounted on me so high up. And since that point, and since that time, I just wanted to drop out of school, pack my things, and run away. But then again¡Kwhere would I go?
Last week, I really felt like giving up. Everyday another unfortunate mishap happened, sometimes too many in one day. I feel like just walking out and going home and staying home. The only consolation I had was being in the company of my friends who remained and finding solace in being alone once I get home. But then again, when I have homeworks, school is there once again and I feel like throwing it all out my window.
Who knew that these things could happen? That in some twisted way, I would be the combination of all the misfortunes of the three Baudelaire children. Certainly, I may be in some way luckier than they for I did not lose my parents to a fire, but in a sense, having all these unfortunate events happen, the frustration feels quite the same. For all these things that I have gone through, one would think I would blow up. But I haven¡¦t. I could just melt and evaporate one day and no one would even notice.
From the simplest things like having some other person dump their stuff on your table in the morning; that person and another making you some sort of bridge every time they want to pass something to the other; to have to realize that you failed something again in a certain class; to have another class with the teacher you hate the most, to the misfortune of having the editor of your group project be sick on the day of submission and thereby not being able to submit your project and that you might risk utter humiliation because of that incident. To the loss of a friendship, to the separation from your mother, to the sad birthday and the lonely Christmas. You¡¦d think that someone, somewhere would give me a break. But, no. The dreadfulness of it all continues.
Though, there was this one thing¡Xin the middle of my entire ordeal¡Xthat made me take a breather for a while and gave me a sense of real comfort that I have not felt in a long time.
I was feeling really bad once, almost in tears although I fought my hardest to keep myself from looking like a complete idiot. I armed myself with a piece of tissue, every now and then dabbing my eyes and avoiding the eyes of other people. The person speaking was apologizing to me and I was really frustrated because I did not want to hear it; I was not in the position to let it be known to other people either. The entire situation made me completely uncomfortable. I shut my eyes and I could feel other people looking at me although I was trying my best to hide from their stares and glances. I hated my predicament. But just then, I felt this¡Kwarmth. I was surprised and I opened my eyes to find someone holding my hand tightly. And, it felt really good. I gave me a real sense of comfort and I started to calm myself. Eventually, I was no longer listening to the person speaking out an apology to me. It was rude, but the sense of comfort I felt from the person that was holding my hand was so overwhelming¡K It was him. And his touch felt so comforting; I had not felt that in a long time. He was smiling at me, as if to say ¡§hey! Why are you crying! Smile!¡¨ and, well, I did¡Xsmile, that is. I suddenly felt relaxed, so comforted, so safe¡K I felt¡Khome. I got the feeling that someone who had been away for a long time would get after finally coming home. And it felt right.
The warmth was brief because we both let go after a while. I came rushing back into the world that I had already begun to dislike. The situation ended and we all moved on. About an hour later, I was back in class, sitting next to him like I used to; and just like we were before: we were laughing, smiling and it was almost as if we had secluded ourselves from the world we were in like we once did. And it felt really good. The laughs were real and the smiles were genuine. And, for once, I didn¡¦t hate the way I laughed¡Xlike I would normally do. And, for once in a long time, I forgot my problems and how they were invading every corner and aspect of my life. It truly felt like home.
But that was some time ago already and a few days have gone by since then. I¡¦m back to where I had started: heaving sighs every now and then, screaming out all my frustrations into my pillow to hush out the sound, I¡¦ve once again plastered that fake smile on my face so that I look pleasant and cheery to the traitorous world around me, trying my best to fool the world.
Who knows how long I will have to put up with such a tedious charade of masks?
Who can tell when my wheel will turn the right side up again so I can experience just a little more happiness?
When will my life¡¦s ¡§prince charming¡¨ (figuratively speaking) come to whisk me away from the world¡¦s chaos and madness and into a place of happiness, warmth and comfort?
When will I find my eutopia?
When will someone come again and take their time to reach out, hold my hand, and touch my life like he did?
I don¡¦t know.
But, somehow, it feels really comforting to know that home¡K
¡K is only a few seats away.
~*~Quote of the Day~*~
If it pieces my life back together
then I'll never let go of this feeling forever.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~~*~*~*~*~~
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
A chemical emotion, falsely real.
The power to hurt and the power to heal.
Only when induced love is returned
Is the mockery of the potion spurnned.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Sometimes it's easy not to notice other people's feelings.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Even though nobility was just a farce, a charitable shadow of love, it was still something special nonetheless. And some irrational part of her had spent the day hoping each time the door opened that he would walk in again, that he would come over and say something, anything at all, and make everything feel all right, just for that little while
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
I dont think it was meant to happen. It just did. And in the most unlikely place, we both found each other.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
...an angel's time...
Name... Michelle del Rosario
Age... 16
Date of Birth: November 19, 1988
Y!M i.d... celestina_warlock
Occupation... I am a student, but only for now, I am forever an angel...forever just me...
High School... Colegio San Agustin, Makati
...describing myself...
Someday. Yes, when everything is said and done; when I have made that change in me in my life, I will have reached my goal. I’m relearning things about myself and discovering about who I really am. I don’t know exactly how I’m going to do that but I know that I will little by little. New things take time to really fit into your life. That’s what I’m hoping for—that these things won’t take as long as I think they will take. All I know is that now I’m happy. And that’s all that matters to me right now. ^^
...the things I'm interested in...
...stuff I love doing...
I dont really know. It all really depends on my mood.
But anyways... I like drawing...thinking...
singing(hard to believe, but yes, I do like singing)
...dancing...watching TV...blogging...
surfing the internet...reminiscing...
digging for quotes...being in love...
writing...imagining...
talking with friends...
meeting new people...
bonding with people I'm not really close to...
reading...sleeping...chatting...
smiling...flying...
...Cinderella for a night...
...interconnected paths...
Christopher Tayao
Raissa De Guzman
Jenna Alejandro
Guia Galvez
Erdex Silangcruz
Victor Guerrero
...other paths...
Friendster... find more friends for yourself...
Pitas...want to make your own haven?
Rhysenn's Irresistable Poison...you can try to resist...but you must read this.
Tabulas...my old blog host
I made a Quiz for you! Take my Quiz! and then Check out the Scoreboard!
...my gratitude to...
Hypertext Markup Language...Christopher Tayao
Blog Host...Pitas...
Background Image...Deviant Art – Artist: messa
Layout Image...Me: Michelle